5 common causes of emotional explosions

“Oh, you’re so laid back” is what people generally would say, and I am… usually. But occasionally, in my humanness, I just blow up. Sometimes it's about something small – someone not closing the toilet seat, or an unwashed dish in the sink— but I tend to go ballistic. Or I suddenly seem to go on a rant, churning out a list of gripes that I have seemingly been sitting on for a while. This angry mood may only last a few hours, or days, and eventually I settle down, say an apology, and then go right back to being…old Marcia.

Undoubtedly, you've met people like just like this, who periodically spiral out of control. Here are the most common causes of these emotional explosions:

Stress

Although my default really is to be laid-back, under enough stress, such as deadlines at work, health, or family worries mixed in with the expectation that society has placed upon me as a woman to just keep going, it’s no surprise that emotionally I can at times get pushed over the edge.

Depression

Sometimes it’s not stress related at all but underlying depression. It could be moments when I feel trapped, or for some it could even be genetic but whatever the reason is, it’s important for me to highlight that regardless of the source, for some, depression isn't that low energy, lay-in-bed kind, but an agitated version. While those same why-bother, it-doesn't-matter, pessimistic thoughts are driving your mood, what ultimately comes to the surface is irritability.

Relationships are out of balance. 

You may be falling into a martyr role, I am certainly guilty of this, it could be at home with your partner,your children or even maybe in your job, simply put it’s a place or situation where you do a lot of the heavy lifting, and are bothered by it, but you lap it up in the hope others will eventually step up or appreciate you more.

Most often, others don't. They think you are doing what you are doing because they take you at face value: because you don't complain, so it seems like you are doing what you are because you always want to. The explosions inevitably happen because the martyr's builds up resentment in their heads about things being unfair, just like a pressure cooker, builds up, and then it blows. Or it could be that you’re not the martyr at all but feel more like the victim. And feel somehow things are one-down, or that others are micromanaging or critical, but again you put up with it until once again you get fed up and lose it.

Difficulty with transitions. 

You may be a person who has a difficult time with transitions. So, if you tend to be a planner like myself, and like to know way in advance what you want to do, and God forbid the plans get derailed for some reason. It could simply be what I decided to do on Saturday, but the weather doesn’t permit, it may be how I expected a night out with friends to go, but the night did not live up to expectation or people cancel at the last minute, and I lose it.

I have come to understand this is about more about anxiety, and I do my best to control my anxiety by planning. When things suddenly change, I get rattled and my anxiety bubbles to the top, but what I express and what others see anger.

Bullying behaviour

Then you have those people who blow up as an intimidation tool. Ultimately getting what they want and getting others to do what they want them to do. It is about power and entitlement.

But even for some seeming bullies, the underlying driver isn't always power but hypervigilance, as always being on guard, ready to spring and fight is generally learned in childhood as a way of coping with trauma. Again, what others see is not the underlying anxiety but the control and anger.

What to do

If you are a person who blows up or if you are living with someone who does, there are three parts to dealing with the problem:

First aid. If you quickly blow up, the emotional first aid is never about resolving the problem that you're ruminating about but more so about settling your emotional state. You need to find ways to calm yourself down, leave the situation to sidestep your instincts and get this off your chest or solve the problem now. This is all about self-regulation and taking responsibility.

If you are on the receiving end of someone's blow-up, you probably want to do your absolute best not to feed the fire by getting angry yourself, but instead remain calm. But if that doesn't work, or if the other person is threatening to become violent, I would suggest do your best to get away.

Prevention. People who go from 0-to-60 quickly often don't realise when stress and resentment are building up. If you are like this, you may want to track your emotions you can do this by checking in with yourself periodically throughout the day and asking yourself how you are feeling, so you can do something to calm yourself down before your emotions get to too high, like going for a walk, writing down how you are feeling, taking a deep breath, going for a run, or meditate.

You may also want to build in some prevention by stepping back and owning that you possibly have a problem with anger. Angry people tend to blame the situation or others for making them angry. This is irresponsible. Always remember you are totally in charge of controlling your emotions. Get therapy if you need to, take medication, or work on developing the skills needed to lower your overall emotional state.

Are You Ready for 2022?

Hey peeps! It's been a while and I thought I must start the year off intentional by starting the year as I mean to go on. What a blessing it is to be able to witness and be part of the turn of a new year! I am feeling very grateful to have yet more opportunities to make a difference, inspire others, accomplish something new all whilst embracing anything else that may be in store along this unpredictable journey called life.

Last night I chose to spend NYE in solitude, setting a calm space at home on my comfy sofa, watching the various celebrations and firework displays that were taking place across the globe. Before I finally retired to bed, I had journaled and reflected on all the life-changing events I have gratefully experienced and that have brought me to this point. I asked myself in my role as a Purpose Coach if I were to share some sound advice with you on how I have navigated thus far, what key elements would I choose?. The truth is there are so many and of course, I can't possibly fit them all in one blog. However, what has become glaringly evident to me is that so much can change in the space of a year and if you are not consciously prepared to deal with some of these changes you may well find yourself veering off the road you had chosen to take when the year initially began, as I certainly did!

Can you relate?

So what better way than to share some of the practices that have helped me, one reason is to further reiterate to you how doing so will hopefully assist in making 2022 a great year not only for me but for you too! Out with the old and in with the renewed, is a great mindset to have as we must be willing to let go of people, behaviours and things that no longer serve us. Being open to making some small changes could be the start of a much happier, balanced and more fulfilled life moving forward.

Know your purpose! why are you here? do you have a big goal or something you have wanted to accomplish for some time but can't seem to get the ball rolling? trust me you are not alone, but one thing that has worked for me is asking myself WHY? what is the core reason I want it so much? is it because it's going to have an impact on the greater collective? or is that it is going improve my life or that of my family, whatever the reasons if you find that the answers to these reflective questions are yes, then always do your best to maintain that thought process as much as possible, it will help you to remain more focussed on the improvements that will come about in your life when you have embraced those changes.

Amidst all the chaos that is going on in the world right now, LOVE has been consistent for me in this season, in particular, love of myself, it's important to note that before extending love to others, although many of us have been conditioned to believe that loving self is somehow not a good thing to do, I am here to remind you that, Loving you is so necessary, why? because it can amplify the confidence you need to be YOU wholly. When you are able to truly love YOU, only then are you fully open to the limitless possibilities of letting love lead the way in all that you do.

Focus I am the first to admit that usually at the start of the year my focus is razor-sharp, I have always got my vision board and vision statement on lock and I am ready to go full steam ahead, but then as time goes on that focus can become a little blurred. However, what has really helped me is maintaining a few really good accountability buddies who have lifted me when I was at my lowest, encouraged me, and celebrated with me when I was at my peak. When you identify with a group of people, a community or tribe can help you to remain consistent and help you to show up you are most certainly on the road to success. No man is an island, so therefore no one is truly self-sufficient, at some stage whether we like to admit it or not everyone will need to rely on the comfort or company of others in order to thrive.

Whatever you may be battling with at the start of this year, I want to encourage you all to choose to step into the driver seat of your life, buckle up, and get ready for the ride, I have a sneaky feeling it’s gonna be awesome.

If you want to know more about how you can avoid failing in 2022 then join us at Reclaim, Reset, Realign - rediscovering yourself and your goals for the New Year and beyond where an incredibly unique set of women come together to share their knowledge with you.

Don’t miss it. Reserve your free spot now: https://bit.ly/ReclaimResetRealign

Making peace with the unexpected

I am sitting propped up in my bed in the UK. It’s a grey morning and I am feeling a little colder than I have done in the last few days. It is the first day of March! I wasn’t quite expecting 30 degrees in March but then again, I wasn’t expecting a lot of things that have happened since December 2020.

Life is full of the unexpected. How can we best deal with it?

Being in the UK for the festive season, I ran into numerous people I had not seen in quite a while. The conversations would go something like this …

"What’s going on with you? You look great!"

"Oh well … my children's father passed away very unexpectedly, and I also lost my father shortly afterwards".

"OMG! I'm so sorry" they'd say. "That’s a lot how come you look so well?"

As you can imagine it was not the easiest of conversations but I somehow managed to do it with a smile.

"It has been one of the most challenging seasons of my life, but somehow I am getting through it and that makes me feel good" I would confidently say.

But the truth is, and what they didn't know, is I spent many days in bed, refused calls, cried unfathomably, then felt guilty because I had not cried in a while. I watched back to back Netflix, had too many glasses of wine, and at times it has even been extremely hard to eat. I have had moments where I have felt so angry or filled with anxiety and I just don't know what to do or whether I was coming or going.

Grief is an emotion that has a life of its own, it carries every feeling within it and sometimes there is no real way to discern it.

I often wonder what it would be like if we didn’t expect things to run smoothly and accepted interruptions with more ease? What difference would that make in our lives? One of the great lessons of Buddhism is - impermanence that everything that comes into being will go out of being.

Here are six things that have certainly helped me throughout this process:

1. Self-care

The shock of loss to all of our being — emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual — is of great magnitude. When we wake in the morning, we question the very nature of who we are. Upon awakening, there is a split second when everything is okay in our world.

And then we remember. The storm clouds cover our head again.

Our bodies and mind need to be fed during this time, in order to handle such trauma. Self-care is personal, and I did the things I knew my body wanted:

Lots of baths, fresh juices, sticking to a daily structure as much as possible, meditating in the morning, journaling, listening to inspiring audiobooks, talking with friends, getting out when I could, taking walks, admitting my weakness, and learning to nurture myself.

These were the base things that I knew I needed.

2. Accept maybe just maybe there is a lot you don't know

As I watched my three children, experience a particularly bad December after losing their father and then their grandfather (my father) in January 2021. There were definitely moments where I remember feeling like is there anything else that could possibly go wrong? Almost to the point of disbelief, it seemed like it was just one catastrophe after another.

This experience has shown me that children are more resilient than we give them credit for. They tend to be ready for anything especially as we know in life things don’t always go to plan. I wondered how they seemingly coped with this particular unfortunate situation and the consensus was we just have to move forward through it, work with it and find a way through. Giving up is not an option. I guess there is no real set formula for grief. Nothing can really prepare you for the various stages of denial, anger, depression, acceptance, (in no particular order) there aren't even any guarantees that we will ever experience all of these emotions. There is no standard way! I suppose the bottom line is, a life lost is a life lost.

Reflecting on all of this, it reminded me of all the times I had battled through things insisting they work a particular way, my way, getting more and more frustrated and now seeing my children so young but already learning the art of acceptance when things do not go their way. This realisation has really helped me to talk about our recent lost loved ones fondly with friends and other family members, in a funny kind of way, by bringing them up in conversations makes it almost feel like they are still with us. My children have decided to focus on the things they know would make their father proud of them, they know their capabilities, while simultaneously focusing on something they also love to do.

When the pain of loss happens, it is as if a lightning bolt comes and shakes the foundation of the ground. We begin to question everything — our identity, who we are, where we come from, and where we are going. There is power in surrendering to the unknown.

In coming to accept that we no longer have control over what happens to us, it is only then we can truly realise that what we once knew we no longer can know. In fact, much of the spiritual experience is coming to realise all that we are not and less about what we think we are or what we know. In this place, there is great freedom and it helps us to meet life’s adversity with courage, head-on.

3. Allow time and space.

I have read it can take up to two years to grieve the loss of a loved one. In human time, that seems like an eternity. There are of course stages and each stage brings a remembrance, especially once you start hitting the “year marks” and key dates, for example, a loved one's birthday. Recognising that grief needs time and allowing space for the grief process to unfold gave me permission.

4. Accept that sometimes you have a bad day for no apparent reason.

Yes, I would have a day (or several) where it felt like there was no reason at all to feel upset. I wanted to refuse to let it get to me. I would tell myself “Stay productive, keep it going; at least, that’s what everyone else would want me to do.”

On those days, I just kept away from everyone. Watched TV or slept if I needed to.

I came to learn that grief gently pressures you to go within. I would just tell my friends, “having a bad day. Can’t talk. That’s all.” I didn’t try to force it to be something different.

5. Allow light in the middle of it all.

Although there were many weeks of despair that seemed to bleed together, there were certainly many days in between when I experienced joy. A fun catch-up with a friend, a no-reason-to-be-happy-day when I felt vibrant and creative.

Embrace those days and don’t feel guilty. Life is to be lived because one day — and we all know the adage — we will die.

6. Accept that this too shall pass.

Like everything else, all suffering will go, until one day it comes again.

The greatest thing about death is that it helps us grow up. It matures us. It brings wisdom. It strengthens our bones. It teaches us to let go. We learn we can go through hard times and with little effort the sun shines again. We can take off our shoes and touch our toes to sand and run on the beach, knowing that we made it through. Our happiness never really went away — it still exists inside of us — yet we are remembering it anew.

Fresh, transformed, aliveness engages us again.

In my experience It is often the unexpected that pushes us to grow and develop, otherwise, we stay put and stick with the easy option. Life is very fragile, we are not in control of it, but we can work with what we have got and learn to live with the unexpected.