Updated: Feb 12, 2020
“Feeling the fear and doing it anyway” by Susan Jeffers, was one of the books I read on my self-development journey which started in 2010. It quickly became one of my go-to tools and daily Mantra on my path of self-discovery.
Fear is an emotion that has really played quite a significant role in my life. Even as a very young child one of the things I remember most was feeling afraid. It still leaves me bewildered at how it’s possible at such a young age to feel fear with such intensity. My mother has always been a worrier most probably from day one of my birth. One would assume that when fear is “imposed” upon you from such an early stage of development; you are more often than not subconsciously carrying the fears of the very ones who raise you project upon you.
Early on, my fears and anxieties were internalised, as it was far easier to turn these feelings inside, than to view my mother as anything less than whole, perfect and right. From probably as early as 4, I remember waking up in the middle of the night, to hear my parents shouting, arguing and fighting with each other,and this was definitely the start of my belief of “blame’’ and “fear” and that “this was my fault.” This led to many years of me not feeling good enough.
I had other fears.
I remember going to school at age 5, and trying to fit in, I looked different, my hair was different, and I just wanted to belong. I began to “people please” just so I didn't have to stand out. It was not until many years later when my therapist highlighted that I am an empath and that I had spent most of life “pleasing others” and displeasing myself. That’s when the penny dropped. A lot of what I felt was due to an accumulation of years of pleasing others that I had chosen to turn inward and It was now finally time for me to choose to stand out.
I believe that the many years of searching and wading through various life experiences, therapies, and therapists, trying to find my authentic self by reading books, journaling, attending courses and much later embarking on a journey of public speaking, is partly why I no longer bear much resemblance to who I once was.
To think of how much energy I wasted being fearful of so many things that never came to pass has now given me the freedom in the past ten years to take a different road. Feeling insecure is one of the major reasons why many of us do not ever reach our fullest potential. Being fearful of making any decisions without carrying a heavy bag of anxiety attached to it. So worried about whether it’s the correct decision, or what others are going to say about me. This just resulted in the continuation of living a broken and unfulfilled life.
But what I have come to realise through this amazing journey of becoming whole, is that all the experiences and challenges that I had endured that at the time seemed unbeatable. Were all a necessary part of who I am today. My desire to let go of "blame" has helped me heal much of the pain and dysfunction in many of the relationships I have had. Forgiveness has played a significant role in my learning to let go and trust.
I have worked extremely hard on myself so that I am able to fully enjoy the life I have been blessed with. I truly believe any other way is less than what the universe has in mind for me.
That is not to say that old habits cannot, on occasion, surface, but I restrict myself from going to the old dark places I used to frequently visit.
I choose to see my challenges as opportunities to grow. I have finally come to learn that if we are not continually growing "upwards" by trying to transform into better versions of ourselves, we are either standing still or going in a downward spiral. All our moments are choices, and for today I choose the light over the dark and looking outside of myself instead of focusing on "me and my problems."
As a mother of 3 beautiful souls myself, it has often forced me on many occasions to "act as if," in the hope the feelings would follow, hoping they would not notice my fear, and that one day they could be the ones to break the cycle. Today they are 23, 17 and 16 years old and are very different from what I once was. Of course, they have a few fears, it's only natural, but they have certainly learnt to challenge them a lot earlier in their lives than I did.
Abu Dhabi, which is currently my home, and as much as I love it, it can be if you let it, one place that can transform individuals’ wisdom with wealth, gratitude with greed, and happiness with envy. Living here with any aspect of balance demands a great deal of consciousness and a certain vigilance to not lose focus on what is "real".
I have come to realise that all the experiences and challenges that seemed at times impossible were all a part of my journey of who I am today. Without the struggle, it would have been a very different life. Surrender to serenity is my story and I am committed to helping others experience the joy I hold true each and every day that I am on this earth.
What will you do today to start to fix your brokenness in order to become whole?